Consequences

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Here are just a few, of many:

1. When I am feeling almost nothing, there are none.
2. Nothing ever finishes, so nothing can ever start, because it starts with the attitude, followed by the fear, the behaviour/ behaviours, crossing the line, resentment, to kill the fear that I am not going to get it. Then the fear comes in that has been there from the start, that I will, and along with that fear comes the attitude of wanting more, so more fear, behaviour/behaviours, looking for trouble in that person, place or thing, fault finding, more self resentment, to kill that fear, right back to feeling nothing, until the very life has been squeezed out of it, or they, and like so many other things could only end in crisis, with me entering that now familiar not guilty plea, but also more importantly leaving another litany of unfinished business, behind it, so nothing can ever start, no process, no result, and a life unlived.
3. Another simple way of putting the above question would be, don’t want that now, want this, but not getting away that that it starts with nothing, and ends the same way, plus another litany of unfinished business.
4. When I am feeling next nothing the, capacity to ask myself is this, a good idea and are there any consequences to, is almost none existent.
5. The levels of fear, stress, anxiety, and paranoia, behaviour/behaviours that would accompany the next person, place, or thing’ that I wanted, were truly staggering, court between those two fears, of wanting, and not wanting it, at almost the very same time, telling me on one hand that my life will end if I do not, and it will if I do.
6. I only seen what I wanted to see to get what I want.
7. I only heard what I wanted to hear to get what I want.
8. Asking myself with my head in my hands, yet again, after the last crisis why can’t one thing just go the way that I want, and that faint little voice coming back to me, could the reason for that have anything to do with your attitude, that you always want more.
9. Over a period of time, crossing the line/step back/retreat, started to bring an ever increasing feeling of going nowhere/ doing nothing/and feeling nothing.
10. No personality.
11. No identity.
12. Not to have the awareness that I had never suffered from depression, but delusion,
    
13. Low self esteem, of never facing anything.
14. low self worth, selling myself short, to get what I want.
15. Low self confidence that nothing is going to go the way that I want.
16. Having the feeling that no matter what I enter in to, that it is not going to last.
17. Fluctuating between passive, and aggressive behaviour to get what I want, resenting myself for the two.
18. Any endeavour, job, career, project, that I entered into with the attitude of want, will in many cases will be very rocky, but most likely doomed to failure, with the steps back out, out striping the steps forward, remembering that I cannot get what I want;
19. All of my character defects culminate from my attitude/patterns/behaviour/behaviours, here are just some among many, of the most frequently used, judgment/criticism/condemnation/ vindictiveness/vengefulness, all because you would not give me what I wanted, say what I wanted to hear, do what I wanted, and on, and on, and on, but you could not, I always wanted more.
20. Untreated self resentment=rage
21. Never to have experienced the true meaning of success, and or of failure.