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The attitude of want’ I feel, is either an inherent, or learnt behaviour, or even perhaps a mixture of the two, in my case I feel inherent, that was, is, and now, my only way of thinking, and behaving/behaviours, throughout my entire life.
This attitude, not unlike any other singular thing, examples, that last opportunity to gamble, cigarette/drink /food/drugs, work/ social media/relationship/ext, or the money to buy, or be involve in any of the above, creates a fear, along with a level of obsession/compulsion, fear, being the second most powerful emotion, love as some people know, is the first.
This single attitude of want, not unlike any, or all of the above, puts that fear/obsession/compulsion, there, that tells me that I am not going to get it, closely followed by the fear/obsession/compulsion that that I will, the first sign that a journey of separation from any meaningful existence has begun.
The attitude of want, at some point would attach its self to what could only be described by me, as a really meaningful endeavour, or career, to be perhaps a dancer, rock star, footballer, teacher, fireman, baker, lorry driver ext, but anything will do really, as long as it is funded by the attitude, and preferably to where my behaviour can flourish, see (forty questions) to gain a payoff that has yet to come to light, but with the absolute fact of just treating (people places, and things) as acquisitions and commodity’s for me to get what I want.
With this attitude/endeavour firmly in place, that fear/obsession/compulsion/ dramatically increased, that that I was not going to get it, until that fear/obsession/compulsion, rose to such a level, it is at this very point that the first line/retreat/step back/ is about to be crossed into that slow burn spiral of self abuse, along with the abuse of others, in particular those closest to me, with perhaps /verbal/emotional/mental/physical/sexual, behaviour.
While at the same time the abuse of self with the misuse of/drugs/alcohol/ food/ nicotine/also not ruling out the abuse of activities, such as work/ exercise/sex/social media/ with harming others in mind, along with material that could be described as less than healthy/ gambling/ and, or including retail therapy. The sex is the first retreat that is available at an early age, and perhaps the one most frequently used, and without any doubt, whatsoever, holds the greatest power, up and over, all other behaviours/ addictions.
One could hardly walk around drunk at that age, or buy drugs, or smoke, but all of those and more did follow in time, with rapid succession That first orgasm/ drink/ drugs/ food/self harm/work/gamble/ cigarette/ social media hit/ ext, the first time that the line is crossed, the step back, the retreat, whatever I would like to call it, it all comes to the same thing, no way back. If I have crossed it once, I will cross it again, and again, it may be in different forms, but there is no doubt whatsoever, I will cross it.
It is at this point, that that my prime objective had become to put the fear there with the attitude, then of killing it, with the abusive/destructive behaviour/behaviours towards self, and others, not forgetting that fear is the second most powerful emotion, and in killing that, I also kill a multitude of other emotions that are below it, including sadness, compaction, loss, grief, guilt, shame, joy, happiness, peace, contentment, and many, more, hitting that point that perhaps every addict dreams of, feeling almost nothing’ sending me a signal that I have got what I want, and I can do what I want, of walking on water.
The only thing that allows the whole thing to fall into place is resentment, the pay off, spoken about earlier, and not the preserved resentment towards others. It comes down to the resentment that holds the greatest power, the resentment of self, for the behaviour/behaviours, the retreat, the step back, crossing the line, from something, to nothing.
Resentment is the most powerful feeling known to me, and not to be passed off as anger, although I normally did. Anger is a genuine emotion, that is cultivated from outside of myself. Resentment, is not. It is a feeling, that comes from an attitude of want, from within. The self resentment, although almost undetectable at first, is so powerful that it kills the fear.
This whole way of thinking, and behaving starts to take on a life of its own, fast becoming non-negotiable non-inclusive and seemingly at any price, and cost, but perhaps at this point still sustainable.
With the attitude wanting more, bringing with it more fear/obsession/compulsion, that I will not get what I want, so more fear, adds to more behaviour, there cannot be more self resentment with less behaviour to kill more fear, so more abuse, of self, and others, resulting in more resentment to kill more fear, going back to feeling nothing, crossing the line now, almost by the minute with some or any of the above.
Then as things have progress the second fear that was talked about earlier on, the fear/obsession/compulsion, that I might just get what I want, starts to take hold, bringing with it another looming crisis. Because if that were to happen, the game would be up, there would be no attitude/no fear/no behaviour/ behaviours/ no crossing the line/step back/retreat/no resentment, to kill the fear, leaving me with the overwhelming need to start, and perhaps even for the first time, a journey to a peaceful and meaningful life.
Only to come face, to face, with the crippling fallout from my, attitude/ patterns/and behaviour/behaviours/ of can’t go forward, can’t go back, and of being bounced around between the two, seemingly with no escape, see (consequences) along with becoming increasingly addicted to substance misuse, and activity abuse, switching from one, to the other, with the primary purpose of avoiding the fact, or acceptance, that any of them were a problem to me. Because if they had identified any one of them as such, I may have had to take some action, and in that action, it may have come to light that I may have needed to stop, and if that would have been the case, there would be no retreat, no step back, no crossing the line.
The opposite to retreat, is forward, but even at a very early age I had become not only addicted to substance, and activity abuse, but to the very nature of crossing that line. That is where the real power is, not in the last drug, drink, orgasm, bet, or food etc. Yes, some of those substances/activities/behaviours/helped, to cross that line with the abuse of self, and others, to gain the resentment to kill the fear. But’ pail into almost total insignificance, when it comes to the ultimate payoff, the power of retreat.
